Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
