You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
