You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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