turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
