Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
