There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
