You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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