im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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