I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
