I skipped work to stalk him.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
