There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
