Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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