dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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