i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
