well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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