are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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