Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
