Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize