I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
