Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
