I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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