I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
