i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
