tequila makes me forget i have legs
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
