remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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