I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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