Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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