just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
