Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
