i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
