my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize