my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
