I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
