OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
