Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
