watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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