You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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