my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
