i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We left the knife in your bed.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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