I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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