I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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