i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
