I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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