I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize