i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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