just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Do vagina's smell?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize