I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
