so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Randomize
