You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Two words: blizzard sex
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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