Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize