i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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