i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
