You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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