Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
