I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
