I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
