If i come over, it means nothing
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
