dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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