help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
