Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
