Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
