if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
being pregnant is like rehab
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
