So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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