Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
