when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
