I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
