I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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