I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
