i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
