I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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