hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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